I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Randomize
