Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.