Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
