Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
