I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Randomize
