When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
