dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
