I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
