I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
