I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
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Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
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So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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