I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
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