Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
