once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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