i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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