I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
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