drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
