If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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