Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Randomize
