Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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