if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
