Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Randomize
