They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
