Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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