Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
