a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
