6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
