I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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