I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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