her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
