We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Oh god it's open bar.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
