It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
