she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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