Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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