I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
