How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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