The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
