remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
