kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
