i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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