I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
