I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
