Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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