I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
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