You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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