never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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