I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
