Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
