party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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