I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Still dying that you shit outside
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
