Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
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when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
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QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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