You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
