Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
