My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
