I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
