apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
