If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
