I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Well I just put wine in my tea
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
