just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Randomize
