I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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