dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
