no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
