This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Randomize
