I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
